Depression is hitting me hard at the moment and I can’t seem to handle a thing. Nothing excites me anymore and I can’t seem to find ways to motivate myself. At school I can’t even push myself to get my shit together to get things going with specially that I have so much that are coming up like my AP test and my SAT. I’m lacking of motivation that I just think everything is pointless anyways. I’m spending my money here and there not even thinking that I should be saving up. Why am I like this right now? I need something to motivate me.

I just wanna smoke a bowl right now.

I remember when I was about 7 years old when everything was given and taken advantage of. I remember it was hot and sweaty summer and I loved catching dragonflies and I would put them in my hamster cage. I would always catch green or yellow all the time but blue or red dragonflies are my favorite. I would be up all day in front of our house catching dragonflies and not have to worry a thing. I terribly miss those days wherein I don’t get to hold onto responsibilities. Now that I’m 17 my life is occupied and all I do is worry when or what are the things to be done. But that’s the thing, you grow old and life is handful.

Supposedly it’s a farewell party for Ben but he wasn’t there so it turned out to be our party just the four of us. Anyways, I’m starting to like my coworkers. We were drinking Patron and Smirnoff from 11pm until 2 in the morning. We’re just all out & good thing Wesley is our designated driver because if he’s drunk sleeping over is much needed. I was really also drunk but Ate Mariel was hella drunk because on our way home we have to pull over because she needs to throw up. All in all it was a good night with my coworkers and I’m glad I’m finally getting along with them. Although work is tough for us we still are working it!

If only…

I could’ve known way earlier if only I had the balls to ask. I could’ve done something. I’m so stupid. I should’ve listened and followed my resolutions. I should’ve been better. I’m so fucking dumb. I did so much shit and this is how turns out. I can’t deal with shit. If only I said no from the very start. If only I stayed home from those exhausting days. If only I had done nothing. This shit hurts. I was at the point of nothing caring anymore. If only I had stayed that way. If only…

I felt good going to work today for no reason and unexpectedly Wesley was working too. I like working with Wesley because he’s the only one who actually talks to me(mostly). Gradually, people were coming more and more and it was really busy. For some reason Ate Gen was somewhat pissed at Wes. Wes was the cashier and I was the dispatcher and Ate Gen did the grill. Being the dispatcher is hella hard. I was really really fast today and I don’t even know why, but I think it’s because of my adrenaline knowing that there’s a lot of customers and I’m working alone as a dispatcher. Throughout Ate Gen was pissed with Wes, she told me he works slow. I felt bad. I just really feel bad. Wes asked me if I clock out at 8 and I said yes and he looked disappointed. As much as I wanted to stay to be with Wes so he’s not an outcast I wanted to go home. I really like working with him and I barely get to work with him.

(Source: artforadults)